Three bodies found dumped in drainage pipe?

Yeah, more like "WEAK bodies found dumped in LAME-age pipe."

Massive turnout from Haitian voters?

Yeah, more like, "ASS-y turnout from Haitian voters."

Russia condemns Iranian president's remarks about Holocaust?

Yeah, more like "Russia condemns Iranian president's remarks about LAME-O-caust."

Club owner vows to fight to keep CBGBs open?

Yeah, more like "Club owner vows to fight to keep SUCK-B-GEEK-Bs open."

British man finds huge South American centipede in house?

Yeah, more like "British man finds huge South American SUCK-ipede in house."

Activist who freed minks gets jailtime?

Yeah, more like "activist who freed MOOKS gets jailtime."

Byrd to seek ninth Senate term?

Yeah, more like "Byrd to WEAK ninth Senate term."

Whale uses fish to catch seagulls?

Yeah, more like "whale uses fish to catch WEAK-gulls."

Fluorescent fish used in medical research?

Yeah, more like "fluorescent fish used in medical re-SUCK."

Scientists decode chimp DNA?

Yeah, more like "science-DICKS decode CHUMP DNA."

Ozone layer stops shrinking?

Yeah, more like "ozone layer stops SUCKING."

World's oldest person dies?

Yeah, more like "WEAK's oldest person dies."

MTV revives "Unplugged" for Alicia Keys?

Yeah, more like "MTV revives 'Unplugged' for A-WEAK-cia CRAPS."

DEA nets 427 suspects in huge meth sweep?

Yeah, more like "DEA nets 427 suspects in huge meth s-WEAK."

Air Force discourages public prayer?

Yeah, more like "Air Force discourages POOP-LICK prayer."

British to ban violent porn?

Yeah, more like "British to ban vio-LAME porn."

Rent DVDs from McDonalds?

Yeah, more like "rent DVDs from WEAK-Donalds."

iTunes on cell phones?

Yeah, more like "iTunes on SHIT phones."

Workers struggle to save seals?

Yeah, more like "WEAK-ers struggle to save seals."

Fetuses can't feel pain?

Yeah, more like "WEAK-uses can't feel pain."